Well, a lot of shit happened this last little while. Since I'm stuck dealing with everything completely alone I figured I might as well pretend people read this crap and write myself a journal entry.

I have FAE which is short for my mother is irresponsible. Essentially what I deal with is acute neurological damage to small areas of my brain which could mean any number of things ranging from having the shakes to masturbating in public. well I have the shakes, my memory doesn't sequence properly making me look like a pathological liar even though my long term memory has the vividness of being there, amongst other things that don't include masturbating in public or anything of that sort (happily). I have difficulty being able to focus or acknowledge social cues but in return for that I can process certain information like a freak. Oh, right and I can't feel hunger. aside from that I'm either normal or high average to above average. mostly it comes to the latter but it's off and on. I'm also not typical at all of people with FAE.

For myself, it's an invisible disorder making it hard for other people to understand.

Essentially what this does is it makes me a monster. It prevents me from having friends and keeping them, as well as being able to work a job without my conscience getting in the way or my limited capacities causing duress for my managers (but that depends on the job). I have to remind myself that I'm still human and that I still have attributes worth feeling proud about but that doesn't happen very often since I feel like I'm lying to myself and you when I mention them.

That said, my life took a turn for the worse. I moved back to hinton last october after being kicked out of my shitty, hovel which is actually a genuine hovel. It used to be a basement suite until it was rented to some seriously fucked up people who moved out when we moved on. upon moving in with my best friend and his gf (which was a terrible idea but the only one I had) I decided to try to get my life back together. It was failure and after 3 months I was evicted. my friend blames himself for it but it's my fault since I gave him my rent money so he could buy 2 ounces of weed. It wasn't his fault though i can understand why he thought it was.

I then wandered out and in one direction for 3 days until I eventually collapsed. It was a search for god, or at least something worth living for. I had lost the woman I love, my life and my friends because of my inability to act when it was necessary. I thought I was lazy but it turns out that inhibition is another symptom of my disability. when I came to I was on the side of a highway looking at the sky. police and a truck were waiting to take me away. 4 days later my foster parents whom I dejected years earlier came to my side. I owe them everything.

I stayed with them in hinton for a few months until I got my own place and when I finally did I started to pull my life together.

But things weren't so easy. I was alone. I didn't have a single person to rely on but myself and it was difficult to remain positive and happy at first but eventually my supports came through. I had a friend named gemma whose job is to assist people with my disorder. She got me that place and she visited me once a week to make sure I was okay and to help me tie up loose ends. It worked out alright and eventually I started to like being alone.

Then, a few months ago I got a call telling me my sister had been hit by a truck and was hospitalized for days. I sought to visit her but I couldn't find her. She was dismissed from the hospital and that's when I reunited with that friend I lived with in that hovel. Well he was with a new girl and we all hung out for a bit. We made plans to go on a road trip and it failed miserably. She ended up getting cold feet and they were forced to move out. When we returned to hinton, she and him moved in with me until eventually her and I had a serious conflict which forced me to kick her out of my home as well. Me and my closest friend had become divided and that resulted in my withdrawal from society yet again. I maintained a weak connection with him and a mutual friend coleman until later on, coleman and his gf had become such close friends I started to worry.

Being neurotic as I am, I put into motion my defense mechanism. At every opportunity I tried to put them at some level of unease whilst still maintaining my intentions. Eventually it caused a mild divide which was good enough for me.

everything was up in the air when I got another phone call.

My father had been hit by a truck and was put into a coma and his best friend, my uncle rick died of a heart attack. My father was hit a month ago, now and was missing for 10 days before we found out. He was in a coma for those ten days and on that day, I went to visit him. I found out in the morning, I saw him in the evening.

He is recovering now, having come out of the coma 3 weeks ago when I went to visit. He didn't recognize me. Me, being the only family member he couldn't remember AT ALL. He could recall everyone else off and on but me, not at all. His son, not his only son but the only one from my mother. Then I went to ricks funeral. that was an experience in itself. I took the opportunity to mend the bad blood between me and my step father (not my father) but not for my sake. for his. He remains a man I will never respect. A man I loathe and would gladly see die but it doesn't matter because he and my mother are their own persons. It's not my place anymore.

So I find out my father might have suffered brain damage and that he could have amnesia. That they needed a few weeks to find out if he was going to be okay.

It turns out he's not.

I'm also moving to a new apartment on the bottom floor of the same complex. My friends have all expressed their will to help and I'm glad since it's an opportunity to bridge the gap.

It's just that when I'm in a dark place, I don't want people near me. I don't want to make things worse than they already are and I don't know if I can continue dealing with all this. I'm losing the will to cope.

I'm falling apart.

On top of all that, I broke my glasses. Now I can't see and can't afford new glasses for another month.

You learn to deal I guess... although I've glossed over all the serious problems.

I can't expect anyone to understand. I look in the mirror and I see a person who isn't me. I can't tell if that's just a facade or the real thing...

It's obvious I feel shame. It's in my eyes, now sunken and green from the cigarettes and lack of sunlight. My facial muscles have atrophied in areas that show I haven't really smiled in months and my upper brow has gotten heavier, showing the anger that's built up over the year.

My long, greasy hair hangs off me like drapes, keeping out the world. My skinny frame, scarred and withered shakes as I move about. Like a frail addict or a diseased freak in between fixes.

I'm not well and it scares me. I wish I could return to a place where this was no more but it's not happening. ever...